Parenting styles: which one works best for you?

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0·Khizran Fatima·Feb 24, 2024·8 min read

Parenting! A universal concept. It’s a hardcore job where you are on duty 24/7, but it doesn’t come with a manual. A parent raises their child. But not just that. You don’t want to push them out into the wild not knowing anything. The aim is to make them into mature and responsible adults by giving them care, nourishment, support, emotional and physical investment.

In all honesty, it is one of the most stressful jobs. So, picture this: your toddler is throwing a tantrum in the market. Most of the parents in this situation feel a bit embarrassed. So what do you do? Do you quietly bribe them with their favourite candy or do you stand your ground and tell them ‘no’ and ride out the storm of glares from strangers (who have probably been in the same situation as you before). Everyday parenting decisions, like this one, reveal much about your parenting style. And the choices we make don’t just impact their behavior today —they shape who they become tomorrow.

It is a challenge for parents to decide on a particular style of parenting. The anxiety and fear is natural for all parents because at the end of the day what parents want is the best outcome possible. To this day, parents face tons of difficulty when it comes to parenting. Because what they do and how they parent, it manifests the children’s future into adulthood. It is a heavy discussion in psychological and clinical circles that all things good or bad stem from our childhoods (and the parenting style we were influenced with).

In order to explore, The STEM Educators invited Mubasher Pasha; a parent, mentor, and a teacher to discuss the do’s and don’ts of parenting styles. Let’s dive into what he had to say.

AUTHORITARIAN

This is the strict approach. It comes with rules and regulations; a dictatorship where you cannot question, where you cannot challenge, or even put forward an alternative option. This style was common in 1970’s and 1980’s. The scenario always ends up with the parent telling their child, ‘you will do this because I said so, I do not want any arguments’. For example, you chose a programming class for your kid. Now, your kid is not interested. They probably want to become a writer. However, you do not give them a choice (a bit cruel, right?).

In this sort of environment, children are not allowed to voice their opinion, there is no room for relaxation, and most likely there is also a disconnect in emotional availability of the parents. This parenting style comes with another theme: you do something wrong, you face severe consequences for it. Moreover, children are facing a mountain of expectations that need to surpass otherwise they will end up being a disappointment, a failure. A child does not get straight A’s, he will be labelled as not a hard worker and not good enough. Authoritarian parents infuse guilt into their child’s brain right from the start which follows them throughout their life. According to research conducted in University of Sussex, authoritarian style directly impacts a child’s brain and personality.

Struggling to make decisions, whether big or small.
Not being able to lead but tend to follow.
Having a low self-esteem.
Have social anxiety; avoid any interactions, trouble in building solid relationships.
They do have a sense of discipline and responsibility but studies show that their academic success is more likely to get hampered.

AUTHORITATIVE

This is the balanced approach. In Diana Baumrind’s theory, she regards this as an equilibrium of structure and independence. In this podcast, Mubasher Pasha describes this style as setting the boundaries. The child has room to explore and navigate within a decent boundary system. Let’s say, your kid wants to do an online course, apart from their regular coursework. As an authoritative parent what do you do? You offer them choices. You list the number of courses being offered such as scratch, Minecraft, sign languages, or cooking. Not just that, you list the pros and cons of studying each course. Then with guidance and your advice, you let the kid decide. This is how you also improve a kid’s judgement. You can see if they are ready to decide things for themselves.

Research shows that in authoritative style there is a high level of demand but it also receives a high level of response. A child surely responds to a positive stimulus; a mixture of rules and warmth. Parents who follow this style do set strict boundaries and want their children to obey but they also develop understanding and trust. They provide their child with comfort, honesty, and guidance. The theme goes like this: tough love but fair and nurturing. Parents who are authoritative are firm but they give reason to it, explain things with logic. They want their children to be assertive but also have morals and responsibility intact. Characteristics of children raised with authoritative parenting are as follows.

Can handle responsibility.
Can make decisions on their own.
Open to experiences and social interactions.
Confident and self-assured.

PERMISSIVE

This is a lenient approach. Parents who are permissive in style claim to be their child’s best friend. There is no implementation of structure or discipline in the child’s life. Parents following this style usually say, ‘boys will be boys’ or ‘let them be kids’. Let them do whatever they want.

They give into the wants (necessary or unnecessary) of their child, forgoing the fact that what might be harmful in the long term. In layman words, they would give into the demands or tantrums of the child rather than upset them with a bit of balance or economy. Yes, these parents do heavily invest in their child’s emotional well-being and are quite flexible when it comes to doing homework or not junk food but it does not mean protect them from negative effects. Permissive parents tend to control the environment of a child, keeping them in a bubble wrap, which leaves them quite unprepared for adulthood. The children appear to be:

Do not have emotional regulation or cannot handle big feelings on their own.
Tend to be reactive or may have anger management issues.
They give up quickly whenever it comes to a challenging situation.
In some cases, these children when stepping into adulthood do develop a bit of resilience but truly out of a survival instinct.

NEGLECTFUL

This is complete freedom. Children live outside a structure; it is boundless. The children are left to fend for themselves. There is no restriction, no parent-child attachment, and no balance. The neglectful parents, as some might say, are uninvolved; they do not strive to form a relationship or build an attachment with their children. These sorts of parents are referred to as uninvolved; they sometimes fail to even fulfill the basic of parental responsibilities. The children face:

Struggle to build a relationship with partners, colleagues, and peers.
Depression.
Shortcomings in academics or career.
Inability to trust people.

WHICH PARENTING STYLE IS APPROPRIATE?

When you choose a parenting style, it is not about checking a box or putting on a suit, it is about understanding your situation, your problem, your culture, and your belief system. Being a parent is not a bed of roses (as we all well know). It must be noted here that not all parents are the same, not all children are the same.

FLEXIBILITY & FINDING BALANCE

No one spends all their time in just one parenting style. A permissive moment might follow an authoritative one, depending on the scenario. That’s okay. Adaptability is often the hallmark of great parenting. Some situations call for empathy, while others demand firmness. Knowing when to shift makes all the difference.

YOUR CULTURE & BELIEF SYSTEM

Think back to your own childhood. Were your parents strict, lenient, or somewhere in between? Your values are often rooted in those experiences. For instance, families with strong cultural ties might lean toward authoritarian approaches, while others prioritize individuality. It’s important to find a balance that aligns with your beliefs without losing sight of your child’s unique personality and needs.

BUILDING A STRONG PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP

When you work on your attachment with your child, it builds a solid foundation of trust, love, and security. Suppose, they got a bad grade in Algebra, or someone is bullying them in school, or they broke a vase; if the bond is strong, your child will come to you. And that is what matters. You do not want your child going somewhere else or asking somebody else for help.

Spend one-on-one time: Even small moments, like reading together or playing a quick game, can make a big difference. Create a routine. Involve them in your work such as cooking or cleaning the cupboard or going grocery shopping.
Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their emotions without judgment, helping them feel heard and understood. Tell them the difference between right and wrong.
Lead with empathy: Show understanding in tough situations instead of just focusing on discipline.
Listen to them: Be present in conversations. Put your phone aside and give them your full attention.

CONCLUSION

The landscape of the twenty-first century is demanding and competitive. For a child to be able to move with the modern world, they need to be self-assured, skilled, and have belief in their accomplishments. The children will excel when they are given encouragement in regards to their talent and ability. Children do not feel burned out when they are taught to balance between peer pressure and a drive to achieve. All in all, a well formed structure can help the child succeed in their chosen field and in life.

Parenting isn’t about being perfect — it’s about making thoughtful choices and learning along the way. Understanding parenting styles gives you tools to navigate both big decisions and everyday moments. The goal is simple: Raising happy, confident, and well-rounded kids.